The car ride to the adoption agency where I was placing my son for adoption was the most difficult hour I have ever endured. As I weeped aloud the entire time, looking at Samuel while my pointer finger was being grasped by his tiny hand, I spoke to God in my heart and quietly. I repeated Jesus’ prayer most of the way in a begging manner:
“My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” [Matthew 26:39]
God has already told me His will, so He felt no need to answer my prayers. Now was His time to stay silent and see if I am faithful. It hurt that He did not “let the cup pass”, but I know His ways are much higher than mine:
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” [Isaiah 55:9]
Last night was the first night I questioned God on the death of my Husband Benjamin. I began to weep and ask God why He took my Husband: Were we not doing His will? Were we fighting too much? Did I not show godly marital wife characteristics? The Holy Spirit was not silent this time. “It was My will” He said replying to my questions about why he died. I ignored that answer and got the urge to open my Bible. It was dark, I was tired, yet I knew all the times I ignored the Spirit when I wanted to sleep and He wanted me to read His word, now was not one of those times to ignore Him. I reached my arm over, grabbed my Bible, and my phone flashlight app, and remembered a funny joke my Pastor said last Sunday about opening your Bible to a random spot, so I did… My eyes looked down to see Matthew 26:36 and on. I read. The answer I ignored at first was spoken to me again, “It is My will”. Now all I strive to do is live as my Husband told me to if he were to pass away:
“With complete faith in God”. -Benjamin Borick, 20 years old 2012 (1 month before he died)
In His Love Always, The Hopeful Woman In Christ Samantha Medina
Leave a comment: What have you questioned God on in specifics; if you are willing to share? What was the outcome? Did you realize why that event happened in your life or are you still trying to figure it out?